Tales From Thanksgiving

Dan McFadden - Co-founder/CTO

Nov 27th, 2019

Don't Eat The Turkey

This is going to be like that Netflix movie with alternate endings. Mirror something. But better, because you won’t need to invest 3+ hours of your life reading this… I hope.

Netflix probably spent millions on this movie, my budget for this email is $37. The movie has five different endings, so I feel compelled to one-up them and write 8 VERSIONS of Thanksgiving.

Check out the different versions below until you find one that fits. Heck, read them all for all I care. Can’t find one that fits? Write your own and share it with us.

OK, Here we go…

1. I’m just here for the promo code

Fair enough. Use code TLDR-EMAIL for 1% off your order, because let’s be honest… you only put 1% into this.

2. My kids are picky eaters

This year’s going to be different, I just know it. This is going to be the year you finally convince little Bobby and Sally to eat something other than peanut butter and jelly. You cooked two turkeys, you even deep fried one of them. “STAY INSIDE, PLEASE!”

Success! Bobby loved the deep-fried and Sally ate a few bites mac and cheese before “accidentally” dropping the rest of it for the dog.

3. I’m hosting and I have no idea what I’m doing

Hey, we’ve all been there and it can be stressful. You got this, but if you don’t, we got you. Reply to this email and Alex on our team will sort you out (seriously he will). This guy is a professional.

If you’re not exactly wanting to “talk to” someone here’s a quick conversion chart he put together:

Turkey = ten fried chickens, no bun
Stuffing = traditional Mac n cheese
Gravy = side of white queso
Cranberry sauce = side of mixed berries
Green bean casserole = Mexicali hold everything but onion straws and side of black beans
Pumpkin pie = churros

Well done, Alex.

4. My in-laws are getting on I-70

It was a game day audible, they were supposed to stay in Springfield, IL this year! They called up this morning and said they can’t imagine not spending Thanksgiving with you. They just got the car all loaded up. You’ve got 2 options…

1) Fake a back injury and call it off 2) Just go with it, they’re not that bad… right?

5. I’m on I-70

Uhh, just focus on getting to Grandma’s house, then start from the top when you get there.

6. I’m home from college

You’re getting the gang back together and going out to the bars with friends you haven’t seen in months. Everybody’s going to be there, a ½ year reunion so to speak. You’ll probably be out until 3am, so don’t forget about that side dish mom is expecting out of you.

If you’re in no shape for cooking in the morning just order the Buffalo Mac and swap the tinfoil for a casserole dish. Done. Go ahead and take credit for it, we won’t say anything. Use code OFCOURSEIMADETHIS for 25% off. After all, you’re in college.

7. I’m single and I’m scared

You didn’t come here to justify why you’re still single. You’re single on purpose. Just keep telling yourself that until you believe it.

You came here to eat turkey and mashed potatoes until you can’t stand up. Tell Aunt Karen you’re holding out for “the one,” and pass that wine this way while you’re at it.

8. I’m a vegan

You’re making an “Impossible Turkey” and you’re super excited. But, let’s be honest the only thing impossible is not telling the room about it 47 times before it comes out of the oven. You do cook that in the oven, right?

The End

Whew, we made it. I hope your path was as exciting as mine was. We at ClusterTruck hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and we’ll see you back here next week.

* Header Image credit of my 3.5 year old daughter, Lily <3